Thursday 23 January 2014

Atos and depression

I went for the Atos appointment, i knew what it would be like.. first i had to wait an hour for the appointment.. i was in at 3 for 3.30.. i was only seen at 4.30.. first person saw an african woman doing the atos test. then i saw someone called rosie..

very dismissive, she isnt there to diagnose.. but that is what she is doing.. I know what they are going to say that i have the atos miracle.. that i am lying, and i am healthy.. when even the doctors know i am not they have given me sicknotes two different doctors. My therapist said it is deep depression i try to distract myself from feeling bad..

but it is getting harder.. story after story about how i will be gotten by IDS, that i will be punished by the DWP, my doctor has increased my anti depressants but they are not working every day something is happening and makes me feel worse.. i try to beat it but stories like IDS, Benefit streets, the lying unemployment rates each story depresses me further, I really dont see much point anymore..

Is it paranoia when you know they really are out to get you.. when everything you do is wrong, I jsut want to be left alone.. left to live my life.. but i am not allowed that.. theres hardly any reason left...what joy i had in reading in games has gone. I cannot do this much longer.. I am being drained and destroyed...

Only freedom is death... dont worry i am not at that stage again.. but every story every lie by the dwp about me and the unemployed and the sick and disabled just knocks me lower and lower.. while pills can keep me stable  without external factors unfortunately external factors like IDS,DWP all reduce them further..

So they have won.. I am not going to do anything to prolong my life.. if i die tomorrow good.. wish i could afford to drink to oblivion, take drugs to forget this world.. I dont care anymore.. whats the point.. really whats the point in living in this hell of a country, a hell where IDS/DWP wish me dead guess what you have won.. i will be dead.. because you have pushed me so far..  and dont worry i am not going yet..

death by self neglect.. is that a thing?

Tuesday 14 January 2014

FUN.. or not.. not sure

Well, I was sent to do EMDR after a interview, Now after speaking to the EMDR woman, she said Yes you have had some trauma but your real problem is low self image and depression so EMDR wouldnt work.

She then suggested me to go do CBT for depression, but also that there is a group that could help essentially its the same thing as A4e and the work programme.. but privately run.. So what is the point when they cant do anything but suggest me to go do group work.. as in sitting in groups and chatting.  They couldnt offer any training, or help getting a job except do a cv again.. do all the same things that a4e does..

Now, i dont know if you know this if you are told by society by people who are supposed to be helping you that everything is your fault, you are to blame for what happened to yourself, after a time you beleive it..

As i have said i feel totally worthless, partly because the dwp tell me i am and tells society i am.. if they would just leave me alone i would be less depressed,  Being constantly demeaned, is the sign of a bully, when you cant even escape them incase you lose all your benefits.

Now i have to go back to my doctors today for a sick note review today.. but next week i am at atos.. no doubt i will be fit and that doctors will be wrong.. because you know the miracle of atos..

I am not worried about what happens at atos.. i know what they will say.

Some days i feel really down, this last week hasnt been too bad but then i have been reading a lot.. if i read i am in their world not this world..

I get so tired you know... nothing i ever do is good enough.. i wish i wasnt me.  I worry that i subconciously sabotage things because i feel like i deserve to be punished for something i did in the past.. I go through my life and wonder what did i do or didnt do to cause all this pain i am suffering.. I must be to blame because i am the only common factor..