Friday, 26 July 2013

hansel and Gretel updated

Once upon a time, there was a woodcutter and his wife and they were so poor, they couldn’t afford birth control , and eventually 2 little leeches appeared as they do. Then in a flash of genius, and intelligence, the woodcutter’s wife (who suffered from post partum depression from the birth of the little leeches) decides to abandon the kids in a dark and lonely wood, leaving them with enough food for the kids to guzzle down, packs of candy, and, bottles of cola, and make it a day out, then we can leave them there in the woods and need never be bothered by them again, the woodcutter is unsure about this as his kids are a proof of his manhood., the wife repsonded, how are we to live while they, eat us out of house and home, and cause chaos and havoc with their noises and smells., and the cost of bringing them up, hearing all this and how he would have to stop drinking and having a boys night out, he agreed.

The 2 children eavesdropping on their parents for blackmail purposes, heard this, and then decided to sneak out, and report it to the social services, but while he was out he decided her could get more money if they really did vanish into the woods, so he crept about, picking up old soda cans they had left in their parents garden, and filled his pockets, and backpacks with them, then went back, and comforted his sister in the only way a southern man could, in the morning before their parents were awake, they slipped back into their own beds. And once again they managed to get back to their own beds, without being caught. The woodcutters wife, then told them to get up, and that they were going into the woods to kill a deer for their supper. So she gave them some bread to tide them over. Then hansel being a lazy kid slowed down, and started dropping cans of soda and crisp packets on the ground,

Now the woodcutter told the kids to remain where they were, but they wandered off as it was with kids, and once again they did what only a brother and sister could do in the deep south do.. and naturally exhausted they, fell asleep, and woke up in the dark and followed their own trash back home leaving it in place. Where they disturbed their parents, and totally ruined their night of romance.. the woodcutters wife was righteously annoyed at the kids, but the woodcutter was over joyed for he was a man again apparently.

The next week, after their parents had run out of food for the children had used blackmail and threatened to call child services, to get all stuff the little brats wanted, the woodcutters wife decided to do it again but this time take them further into the dark woods. The kids hearing this, rubbed their hands together in greed thinking we can get more, so hansel once again went outside but this time their garden was clean, due to a court order. So hansel couldn’t pick up any soda cans, and sweet wrappers, and he was angry and swore, silently as he was on probation and had a curfew.. he went in and comforted his sister again, and once again snuck back into his room before the woodcutters wife got up. Now the adults were in dire straights, they only could afford some packs of potato chips, so they gave a bag each to hansel and gretel, and as they walked hansel started eating the crisps, and making a whole mess of crumbs.. then once again their parents left them alone, and once again they comforted each other as only brothers and sisters know in the deep south.. hansel being somewhat of an idiot, thought he could follow the crumbs back home, but as with most moronic kids, he had forgotten there were birds in the forest as he had killed all the ones round his house with his BB gun. They couldn’t find their own way home, so they wandered the woods looking for a phone to report their bad parents but couldn’t find one (the narrator whispers it’s a forest moron, no phones)..

When it was about mid-day, they saw a beautiful snow-white bird sitting on a bough, which sang so delightfully that they stood still and listened to it. Then hansel threw a stone at it killing it stone dead. And saw a small track leading to a small house, hansel thought it was an easy house to break into, but as they came closer they saw that it was built of bread and covered with cakes, but that the windows were of clear sugar. "We will set to work on that," said Hansel rubbing his hands together, "and have a good meal. I will eat a bit of the roof, and you Gretel, can eat some of the window, it will taste sweet.", and Gretel smashed the panes of glass and started scoffing them like the greedy little pig she was
Then a soft voice cried from the parlor:
"Nibble, nibble, gnaw,
Who is nibbling at my little house?"
The children answered:
"The wind, the wind,
The heaven-born wind,"
and went on eating without disturbing themselves. Once again showing how greedy and how selfish they were, Hansel, who liked the taste of the roof, tore down a great piece of it, and Gretel pushed out the whole of one round window-pane, sat down, and enjoyed herself with it. And Gretel decided it wasn’t a patch on her brother, but she did it anyway..

Suddenly the door opened, and a woman as old as the hills, who supported herself on crutches, came creeping out. Hansel and Gretel were so terribly frightened that they let fall what they had in their hands. Blaming their poor upbringing, and the destitution they had and how they couldn’t afford the latest fashion

The old woman who was too nice to obnoxious brats who had half eaten her front door, nodded her head, and said: "Oh, you dear children, who has brought you here Do come in, and stay with me. No harm shall happen to you." She took them both by the hand, and led them into her little house. Then good food was set before them, milk and pancakes, with sugar, apples, and nuts, . Afterwards two pretty little beds were covered with clean white linen, and Hansel and Gretel lay down in them, and thought they were in heaven.” An old woman, alone with valuable property, we could steal all we want and be rich.

The old woman who was suffering from glaucoma, and cholesterol and diabetes, and had only built the little house of bread in order that she wouldn’t have need of a doctor wasting the doctors time and resources. Then before the old woman got up, hansel decided to sneak about looking for things to steal, and as he was going into the pantry, the old woman had to get up as she was thirsty, hearing a noise in the pantry, she locked the door. Then she went to see if her guests were safe, and she could only find gretel, and hansels bed hadnt been slept in but there was a smile on gretels face and the smell of sex in the air.. and discovering that hansel was the theif she Then she went to Gretel, shook her till she awoke, and cried: "Get up, you lazy thing, fetch some water, and cook something good for your brother, he is in the stable outside, and as I don’t want to be charged with kidnapping, you will have a good meal and then the police will be called Gretel began to weep bitterly, but it was all in vain, for she was forced to do what the old woman commanded. And now the best food was cooked for poor Hansel, but Gretel got nothing but crab-shells. Every morning the woman crept to the little stable, and cried: "Hansel, stretch out your finger that I may feel if you will soon be fat." Hansel, however, stretched out a little bone to her, and the old woman, who had dim eyes due to her glaucoma, could not see it, and thought it was Hansel's finger, and was astonished that there was no way of fattening him. When four weeks had gone by, and Hansel still remained thin, she was seized with impatience and would not wait any longer. "Now, then, Gretel," she cried to the girl, "stir yourself, and bring some water, he needs a good wash, then he will be turned over to the police " Ah, how the poor little sister did lament when she had to fetch the water, and how her tears did flow down her cheeks! " Dear God, do help us," she cried. "If the wild beasts in the forest had but devoured us, we should at any rate have died together." "Just keep your noise to yourself," said the old woman, "it won't help you at all." Early in the morning, Gretel had to go out and hang up the cauldron with the water, and light the fire. "We will bake first," said the old woman, "I have already heated the oven, and kneaded the dough." She pushed poor Gretel out to the oven, from which flames of fire were already darting. "Creep in," said the witch, "and see if it is properly heated, so that we can put the bread in.", But Gretel saw what she had in mind, getting gretel to actually do some work no chance thought gretel and said: "I do not know how I am to do it; how do I get in?" "Silly goose," said the old woman. "The door is big enough; just look, I can get in myself!" and she crept up and thrust her head into the oven. Then Gretel gave her a push that drove her far into it, and shut the iron door, and fastened the bolt. Oh then she began to howl quite horribly, but Gretel ran away, and the old woman was miserably burnt to death. Making gretel a murderer, but Gretel, however, ran like lightning to Hansel, opened his little stable, and cried: "Hansel, we are saved! The old woman is dead!" Then Hansel sprang like a bird from its cage when the door is opened. How they did rejoice and embrace each other, and dance about and kiss each other! And celebrated how brother and sister in the deep south can do.

And as they had no longer any need to fear her, they went into the womans's house, and in every corner there stood chests full of pearls and jewels all the old womans life savings. "These are far better than pebbles!" said Hansel, and thrust into his pockets whatever could be got in, and Gretel said: "I, too, will take something home with me," and filled her pinafore full. "But now we must be off," said Hansel, "that we may get out before the police discover the old womans body”

When they had walked for two hours, they came to a great stretch of water. "We cannot cross," said Hansel, "I see no foot-plank, and no bridge." "And there is also no ferry," answered Gretel, "but a white duck is swimming there; “
Hansel being the cruel monster he was went and killed the duck by ringing its neck and watching it run about with its head on backwards and he laughed to see it then after they had walked for a short time, the forest seemed to be more and more familiar to them, and at length they saw from afar their father's house. Then they began to run, rushed into the parlor, and threw themselves round their father's neck. The man had not known one happy hour since he had left the children in the forest; the woman, however, was dead murdered by the woodcutter . Gretel emptied her pinafore until pearls and precious stones ran about the room, and Hansel threw one handful after another out of his pocket to add to them.. Then the police caught them for hansel being the moron, had left fingerprints all over the old womans house, and discovering that their father was a murdered, arrested them all for murder, conspiracy to murder, arson, and incest and put them in jail, to await execution, and there they are still, on appeal, costing the tax payers thousands and year.

No comments:

Post a comment